Red Flags Checklist
You can use this checklist to identify possible red flags in a prospective relationship. If you have trouble being completely honest, have a friend help you.
Name of potential partner: __________________________________ Date: __________
I. Looking toward the future:
1. _____ I would want to spend the rest of my life with this person exactly as they are.
2. _____ I would want this person to raise my child.
3. _____ I would want my child to be exactly like this person.
4. _____ I would want to spend the rest of my life with this person’s family exactly as they are.
II. Are you talking yourself into this relationship?
5. _____ I want to rescue or “help” them because I see their potential.
6. _____ I want to be rescued financially, emotionally or otherwise.
7. _____ I am choosing this person because of the way they look, their status, or because it builds my self esteem to be with them.
8. _____ We have some good things in common but I’m avoiding looking at glaring differences.
9. _____ This person seems to be totally different than people I’ve been with in the past.
10. _____ I’m focusing on one important quality (money, sex, fun, humor, etc.) and ignoring unmet requirements.
11. _____ This person is like people I’ve been with in the past who weren’t good for me.
III. Danger Signs
12. _____ Reacts to frustration with anger, rage, blame.
13. _____ Blames others or circumstances of his/her life situation.
14. _____ Tries to control everything, including me.
15. _____ Is immature, impulsive, and/or irresponsible
16. _____ Still pining for or emotionally entangled in a past relationship.
17. _____ Wants me to make their sad life better.
18. _____ Wants to join my life because they don’t have one of their own, or don’t like the one they have.
19. _____ Married or otherwise unavailable to commit to me.
20. _____ Active addiction or addictive behavior (rationalized as “not a problem”.)
21. _____ Emotionally distant, unavailable, or aloof.
IV. Other Common Red Flags:
22. _____ Is pessimistic and negative about things that matter to me.
23. _____ Lacks integrity in dealing with people, money, etc.
24. _____ Judgmental attitude toward self and others.
25. _____ Doesn’t keep agreements.
26. _____ Doesn’t maintain own boundaries. Tries to please others at expense of self.
27. _____ Doesn’t respect my boundaries.
28. _____ What they say about themselves doesn’t match what I see.
29. _____ Emotional roller coaster. Recurring or regular emotional drama.
30. _____ Changeable, inconsistent behavior.
31. _____ Talks too much (especially about self). Monopolizes conversation.
32. _____ Tries to change me instead of accepting me as I am – especially by nagging/criticism.
33. _____ Overly quiet, withdrawn.
34. _____ Inability to listen.
35. _____ Has friend or family relationships that concern me.
36. _____ I notice myself trying to change this person to fit what I want instead of accepting them for who they are.
37. _____ This isn’t what I really want, but I don’t want to be alone.
Results
A. Total checked items from Sections II, III, and IV _______
B. Circle the checked items that need close attention, decision making, or require more information.
C. On a scale of 0 (not at all) to 100 (perfect fit) my minimum score for considering any relationship is: _______
D. Using the above scale I score this potential relationship: _______
E. Based upon the above results, I should or shouldn’t (circle one) proceed dating this person.
Note: If it is clear that you should not proceed dating this person and you have difficulty moving on, we strongly suggest enlisting the support of a coach, therapist, close friend, or family member to help with the transition.
*This Quiz was developed by The Relationship Coaching Institute and is used by permission.
