Be The Chooser; Not the Chosen

Be The Chooser; Not the Chosen

Adapted from an article by David Steel of The Relationship Coaching Institute.  Used by permission.

Many singles are insecure and stay safe by submissively letting others make choices for them.  Being the “Chooser” means taking initiative and responsibility for your outcomes by seeking to create what you want in your life. As a Chooser, you seek to always be “at choice,” and you don’t restrict yourself to what, or who, chooses you.  Choosers share certain characteristics that empower them. They know what they want, and they know how to get it:

• · Choosers are proactive. They don’t habitually wait for things to happen. They don’t merely react to events.
• Choosers are positive. They always anticipate success.
• Choosers assume abundance. They believe there will always be plenty of opportunities and resources.
• Choosers are creative. They seek new ideas and opportunities beyond the immediate past and present.
• Choosers are assertive. They ask for what they want, and they say “no” to what they don’t want.
• Choosers are risk-takers. They accept rejection and failure as part of life, and they don’t take it personally.
• Choosers are goal-oriented. They clearly define and vigorously pursue their goals.

Being a chooser takes a certain amount of confidence and effort, but everyone can do it.
It’s not a lack of talent or a failure of genetics that prevents people from being choosers.
People who are not choosers have simply learned a set of attitudes, beliefs and behaviors that are not useful.  When we grow up conditioned to please others and are not given permission to take risks, we can feel powerless to influence our outcomes and afraid of failure if we try.

Many readers will recognize these common obstacles to being the Chooser. All of these are learned, and all of them can be unlearned.

The obstacles to being a Chooser include:

• Low self esteem (“I’m not good enough.”)
• Limiting beliefs and attitudes (“It won’t happen for me”; “I can’t.”)
• Conformity to social pressures (“I must avoid rejection.”)
• Lack of creativity, information, or skill (“I don’t know how.”)
• Gender roles (“It’s not ladylike”; “It’s not gentlemanly.”)
• Need to please others (“I need approval”; “I don’t want to hurt anyone.”)

Some people find it more comfortable and more socially acceptable to be the Chooser with their friends, and in their recreational activities, finances, career, and other areas of their lives. But it is more difficult in the arena of intimate relationships, with emotionally complicated issues of gender roles, self-esteem, and sexuality. I know many women who are successful, decisive, powerful executives in the workplace, but have tremendous difficulty being assertive in their intimate relationships with men for fear of being “unfeminine.” Both men and women know what their traditional, stereotypical roles are; however most of today’s singles don’t subscribe to those roles, and so they are unclear about what to do or expect.

Traditionally, there are what can be labeled “Masculine” and “Feminine” styles of being The Chooser. The stereotypically male Chooser is the pursuer, while the stereotypical female Chooser is the pursued. The stereotypically male Chooser picks an attractive prospect and overtly pursues by initiating conversation, winning favor, and getting the date. This makes men appear powerful and in charge. The stereotypically female
Chooser sends subtle nonverbal signals to an attractive prospect and is submissively receptive to the responses. Because women have been taught to avoid aggression and boost the male ego–upon which their survival and the future of their children has biologically depended—they may appear passive and subordinate on the surface.  Women can still be quite powerful and in charge, but indirectly.

Today, traditional gender roles don’t fit as well for either gender. In recent generations, women’s roles have greatly expanded beyond being a wife and mother, and today they often expect, and are capable of, equality with men.  Women, competing with men in the work place have discovered that to succeed they must become more “masculine” and less “feminine.”  That is a shame because most workplaces would be greatly enhanced by some female energy floating around.

Today’s men have often been raised by women and lack strong male role models. This is reflected in many current television sit-coms that portray men to be foolish boobs dependent upon smart and competent women. Today’s gender roles are pretty confused, and we are still redefining them. Current wisdom says that we all have a masculine side and a feminine side. Our challenge today is that both men and women must learn how to be both.

Some men still prefer to pursue their partners in a traditionally masculine way, like hunters or warriors, while some are uncomfortable doing so. Some women still prefer to bat their eyelashes and make their prospective partner feel like a hero, while some prefer to dominate. And, some men and women wish to be equals, without either party being dominant or submissive, pursued or pursuer. This requires awareness, intentionality, effort, and authenticity that must be learned and practiced. In today’s world, men and women are free to determine the dating and relationship style that fits for them; men are free to be receptive and women are free to be proactive. In all cases, regardless of dating style, being The Chooser means making your own choices, taking responsibility for your outcomes, and taking the initiative, not waiting to be chosen.