Dating While Divorcing
Q. I met a great guy and really want to date him. We’re both in our forties and have teen-age children. We get along well and we’re both really interested in each other. There’s definitely a spark/chemistry. He’s been divorced 5 months after a 22-year marriage. We’ve gone out twice together for lunch.
I want to date him (and he’s made it clear he wants to date me), but I am not sure that’s the best thing to do given his recent divorce. I’m really drawn to him and I don’t want to lose him–he seems like a perfect match. Yes, my heart is over-taking my common sense. He says he’s ready to move on and get into a new relationship. And, I’m definitely ready. I’ve been divorced for several years and want to get married again.
What do you think about me dating him? My friends say it would be a big mistake and that I would be the “rebound girl.” I definitely don’t want that. So, if I do wait, then how long should I wait until I date him? If I wait, he may meet someone else. What’s the best approach to a situation like this? How do you know if and when someone is ready to date when they’ve experienced a divorce? And what about just taking it slow with him – would that work? What’s your advice?
Carolyn from Colorado Springs
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Dear Carolyn,
A. The feelings that drive the desire to partner after a divorce can be very compelling. However, this is a great time to use your head and not just your heart. Here are a few things to consider:
- The emotional divorce takes considerably longer to complete than the legal divorce. By the time he completes his emotional divorce he will be a different guy than you are dating now. There is no way of knowing if his transformation will bring him closer to you, or send him in another direction completely.
- The emotional divorce lasts longer than 5 months. A useful rule of thumb, that I have seen to be quite accurate for complete recovery, is 1 year of recovery for every 5 years of marriage. He has 3.5 years left. He has a lot of stuff yet to go through. Be sure you want to be part of his completion process before deciding to date this man.
- When he is still feeling the effects of divorce (and he is if he’s only 5 months out no matter what he tells you) his interest in partnering with you is from a place of need, loneliness, poor self-image or even horniness. Is that the foundation you want for your relationship?
- Being ‘ready’ to move on indicates he hasn’t yet moved on. It is common for people going through divorce to feel ready to date at many points during the process. Each step toward completion feels so much more light and free than the place before. That isn’t any indication of dating readiness.
Some other things to explore from your side:
- What causes you to think he’s the only guy out there?
- Your friends know you better than anyone. Are there reasons you don’t believe them?
- Where does “someone who is still emotionally involved in his divorce” fall on your list of requirements?
- Does it make sense to ignore your own wisdom?
When is someone ready?
The emotional divorce takes more time than people will admit. In the process of completing the emotional divorce people change. If they do it well, they grow, evolve, become a larger/better version of themselves.
Some questions to ask yourself:
- Has he [already] become the larger/better version of himself?
- Does he have a renewed sense of purpose after his divorce? Or is he expecting you to provide that for him?
- Does he still talk about his ex and/or the divorce even when he tries not to?
- Does bitterness, depression, grief or anger show up at mysterious times?
- Is he able, mentally, physically, emotionally and financially to commit to you?
- Is he living as a successful single?
This is a good time NOT listen to your only to your heart. Get support from those great friends of yours. Ask them to help you hold onto to your own standards. It sounds to me like you are not listening to your own higher wisdom. This would be a great time for you to explore why THAT is.
